my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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