I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
