And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
