just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
