The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I wish my penis had an off switch
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
