I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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