I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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