...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
