Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
