i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
