Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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