just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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