You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
