The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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