i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
