next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
