Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
