Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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