hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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