I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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