he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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