what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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