I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
