stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
