A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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