I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
