do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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