i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
