Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
