I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
