We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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