Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize