so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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