is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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