I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
