She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
