sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize