remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
