I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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