i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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