i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
