it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
