I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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