my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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