I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize