Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
