I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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