wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
