mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
