Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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