Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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