he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
