proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
