i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize