I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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