I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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