I have demons in me.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
