I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i was born a porn star she said
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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