You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
