fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
