dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
