Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
