Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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