wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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