I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
