ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
