omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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