i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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