he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
