I wish life had little blips of pornography
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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