Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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